so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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