Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
