Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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