I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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