soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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