I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
