laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
