ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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