it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.