I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!