I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
