Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
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