I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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