O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.