the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
