I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.