My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top