Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
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This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
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It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.