I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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