I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
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it glows. i had to have it.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
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Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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