Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
