So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
