I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
