So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
where are my eyebrows?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
