What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
