dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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