i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
What a dumb baby whore.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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