I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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