This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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