apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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