I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
