My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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