You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
