I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
