one might say we're banned from that church
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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