i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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