Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
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