I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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