that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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