My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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