Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
