so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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