Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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