dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
