this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
May the power of my ass compel you!!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
