Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
