if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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