He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
