And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
