The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
