I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
