"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
