I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
