someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
