I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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