Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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