i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
