its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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