imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
