i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
