Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
