Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
