my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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