After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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